Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
