bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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