I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
