My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
