their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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