I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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