Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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