Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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