i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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