Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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