After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
