I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
