I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
