her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
