Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
