i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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