Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
