the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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