Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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