i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
