i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
