who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
