I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
