Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
