oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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