I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
