dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
