She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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