i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
