i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
