Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
