he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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