my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
