Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
