i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
