how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
