if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
