bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
