is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
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Do I have a choice?
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im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
