My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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