By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
