Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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