I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
