Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
