and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
