I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
