Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
