I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
