I heard we made out
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
