so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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